Marriage

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Phil. 4:8).

Bzzzzzzz… Bzzz… BUZZZZZZZZZ…

If you’re not familiar with horseflies, let me introduce you briefly.  They are much bigger, much more persistent, and much harder to get rid of, than regular flies.  And that summer they decided to make a home of the roof of our back porch.

Who knows why.  We lived in the suburbs, not the country.  For whatever reason, those horseflies decided they couldn’t get enough of our back deck.  We tried various sprays and techniques to get them to leave… but each time their population only lessened briefly, then came back with a vengeance, bent on taking over our territory.  And whenever we went out there, Zoom!  Buzz!  They flew around, loudly buzzing to get our attention, almost hitting our heads at times, so that my husband and I couldn’t hear ourselves think, let alone hear each other.

That hot August day we were outside, watching the kids play, holding spray bottles to spray water at horseflies that zoomed down like mini fighter jets so they couldn’t hit us in the face.  And I thought about what a summer it had been.

You see, it had been a hard season for us.  We’d had trials with work, with family, and in our marriage.  We were both experiencing confusion and hurt, and it seemed like no matter how hard we tried, we just couldn’t understand each other.  We’d reached out for help and found it, but still battled with our own stubbornness.  We’d welcomed our sweet little girl home, and beautiful little gift that she is, with our bundle of joy came sleepless nights and increased responsibilities, which I’m sure is no surprise to my readers.

And that day as the horseflies zoomed, and buzzed, and threatened to impale, my husband and I looked at each other with wide eyes as a certain realization came to us both at the same moment.

The horseflies were like the lies.

The truth is, that summer we had each allowed ourselves to believe lies about the other.  Lies like he doesn’t care, and she doesn’t respect me.  Lies that were born when hurt feelings were given a little too much attention, when misunderstandings weren’t put aside like they should have been, when forgiveness wasn’t freely offered like water to a thirsty soul.

When we don’t take care of our thoughts, our thoughts threaten to take over us.  And the lies zoom, and buzz, and breed in our minds until there’s an infestation, until we can no longer hear ourselves think, until our minds are so clouded we can’t even see our spouses clearly.

Isn’t it tempting to let our minds linger a little too long on our wounds, my friends?  Or am I the only one?  Remember when Jane Austen’s character Mr Bennet said in Pride and Prejudice, “a girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then. It is something to think of, and it gives her a sort of distinction among her companions.”  Do we invest a little too much energy into our “distinctions”?

That day, under the heat and the buzzing and the threat of misunderstanding, we made a decision to give no more room to the lies, and resolved to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor 10:5).

Isn’t that a funny image?  Take captive every thought.  It’s like running around with a butterfly net to catch and examine any idea before it’s allowed to enter our minds and become a belief.  Our culture tells us that we are a victim of our thoughts, a passive receiver of ideas and feelings.  But the Bible teaches that we must become the master of them.

What would it mean to believe the best of your spouse?  To spend time thanking God for the good instead of dwelling on the I wish he would?  To cast out negative thoughts before they have a chance to sprout wings and become damaging words?  To plant instead seeds of gratefulness, of hope, that may grow us into sturdy nourishers of our marriages?

Our struggles didn’t vanish overnight that summer.  But as the lies were evicted from our minds, hope had room to grow, and our hearts had space to see the good in each other again.

Taking every thought captive is one of those simple Biblical encouragements that can change our lives, that can heal our marriages.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

Catching thoughts in butterfly nets together,

Laura Jane